I Lived- How Do I Deal With My Grief?

I know that I personally have been reeling from what happened in small town Saskatchewan. Partly because I am from small town Saskatchewan and our SJHL team the North Stars played the Broncos. I spent many hours in the rink watching the boys, trying to get just one of them to turn their head and acknowledge me. At the time they are gods. They are revered, doted on, praised, and always put high on the hockey pedestal. We want them to win, get goals, beat the better teams, and just make our town’s hockey team to be the one to beat. We want to be feared. We love our boys. They join our small town from other small towns for a chance to play in the next step to the NHL. They billet with our neighbours and the daughters of those billets are seen as super lucky in the eyes of us mere girl peasants. They get to eat dinner with them and do their homework for them and get to be the sister to the gods. This is why this is so devastating. These kids are talented young hockey players who have been living away from home since they were 13 years old. They spend more time in a bus then their own cars and they live and breathe hockey with the other 20 guys. Their bond is truly unbreakable. We also cannot forget the staff, some fighting for their lives and others also crossing over. They were husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles, sons, who will leave a void in the lives of so many, to never be filled.

So what we have left to deal with right now is trying to help those that survived move forward and to find a way to say goodbye to those who have passed away. They were mostly just kids, starting their lives. Their lives revolved around hockey season and nothing could shake that. So what happens now? I have no idea, but I have seen a nation, a province come together like mankind was meant to be. Kind, warm, soft, gentle, loving and mostly joining as one. We are all grieving and we are all trying to find ways to cope. We’ve donated whatever we could to the most amazing gofundme ever set up in Canadian history, we are leaving our hockey sticks on the porch with the light on, we are wearing a jersey tomorrow just to feel like its our way to show our grief and we are reading poems on the internet about this tragedy and how God now has a team of hockey players to guard the gate.

I often turn to music when something really hits me deep. I find songs that say how I am feeling and how to just be sad and grieve. I don’t know any of these kids, the staff or the bus driver. I just know my heart is broken and it will be a really long time before it doesn’t feel heavy. There are 15 funerals to be planned and 14 others starting a long road to recovery. Nothing is over, it has in fact, just begun to hurt.

One of my favourite songs to refer to, besides “Big League” by Tom Cochran (obviously) is “I Lived” by One Republic. It was a song written for a 12 year CF boy who plays hockey but struggles with his CF. The lyrics are still applicable here. As these boys Lived. They had these amazing goal driven, fully supported lives that many would envy. These boys and men may be gone but will never be forgotten. So just grieve and in honour of those lost, just be kind and loving and give the world the best version of yourself. Its the least we can do.

“I Lived”

Hoping you take that jump

But don’t fear the fall

Hope when the water rises

You built a wall

Hoping the crowd screams out

Screaming your name

Hope if everybody runs

You choose to stay

Hope that you fall in love

And it hurts so bad

The only way you can know

Is give it all you have

And I hope that you don’t suffer

But take the pain

Hope when the moment comes you say

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

The things that I did

With every broken bone

I swear I lived

Hope that you spend your days

But they all add up

And when that sun goes down

Hope you raise your cup

I wish that I could witness

All your joy and all your pain

But until my moment comes

I’ll say

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

And things that I did

With every broken bone

I swear I lived

With every broken bone

I swear I lived

With every broken bone

I swear I lived

I, I did it all

I, I did it all

I owned every second

That this world could give

I saw so many places

And things that I did girl

With every broken bone

I swear I lived

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