You know I was sitting on the couch doing my meds while watching a go to episode of Sex and the City and I became very bothered and frustrated. Why? You ask.
Because tonight I am mad. After a long day with errands and working out and all the life stuff my CF prevents me from being able to just wash my face, brush my teeth and fall into bed. I have to do 3 inhaled meds, 2 insulin injections, fill 3 cans of food into my midnight snack bag(aka feeding bag for night feeds), clean out the 3 cans, clean out the thingy’s that I inhaled said meds through and then take my nighttime oral meds and supplements. It pisses me off because it isn’t negotiable it.is.mandatory. Every morning and every night. My medical Groundhog Day and I hate it. Yikes.
I feel like I spend so much time doing all the mandatory stuff that it makes me so mad that I purposely do absolutely mindless shit the rest of the day. My way of taking back control. Yes, I know it is a pretty pathetic coping skill. I am hoping if I admit it out loud that I will get my ass out of Pityville and back on Productive Ave. Dang.
I have to admit that I am in a slump right now. I need deadlines to push me. I need projects ahead of me. I need life objectives to reach. Right now I am a sloth. I am disappointed in myself and I know I will work my way out of this but I am frustrated. I have lots of stuff to do at the gym, my house, figuring this all out but I am stuck. Bah.
I think I mask my frustration with this behaviour because I can’t go around crying or yelling and swearing. Thankfully writing about how I feel is a bit cathartic but here it is 11:18am and I am sad and tired. I know that life is not fair which makes it fair for everyone but some of us have more unfairness. Boo.
I have failed miserably at my new years resolutions so far and I can’t even find enough motivation to empty my half drank cup of tea. Ugh.
On that note, I am going to start my nightly jail sentence and then go to sleep. Thanks for reading,listening, silently plotting an intervention for me or just nodding your head saying,”Nicki, I know you will find your way out, buck up”.
N
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’
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