It has been a frustrating and quite frankly difficult few months in many aspects of my life. I try not to sit on the cactus that life has given me but it is becoming increasingly more impossible to find a place to sit without a prickle everyday LOL. Don’t get me wrong I have joy in my life but I am having a hard time stopping to just enjoy the moment. The chronic pain in my lungs, the headaches from my kyphotic posture, the crunching of my neck 100% of the time and for the last 9 months the challenge of losing most of my range of motion in my right shoulder and a month a ago in my left shoulder is taking its toll. The amount of things I find impossible to do because of this on top of not being able to breathe is abundant.
Here is a nice little list of the things I struggle with due to frozen shoulder:
- Reach back to put my seat belt on.
- Get laundry out of the dryer or washer.
- Wash my hair.
- Put my hair up in a pony.
- Put on a bra.
- Take off a bra.
- Make my bed.
- Grab anything in a cupboard that is over my head.
- Pull on my pants, undies, socks etc.
- Hold anything above my shoulder.
- Do any WODS involving hanging from a bar, put a bar or dumbbells over my head, stretching with a dowel, holding the bar for back squat, front squat or a snatch, pulling a Kettlebell past shoulder height, doing a proper sit up, stretching in almost any way and the list goes on. I am very limited in my workout options at my gym. I am pretty sure I will not be able to do the 2019 CrossFit Open if these shoulders don’t thaw soon.
- Wrap a towel around my body.
- Wash my back.
- Put groceries away.
- Sleep in almost any position.
- Washing my jeep.
Add all that to the things I cannot do because of my broken lungs and I feel lost, truly disabled and quite depressed. The only positive in this is that my lungs are stable and I have stayed away from sick people and because of amazon I managed to avoid people all together. I am grateful for that.
When I had my bronchoscopy last month I asked my doctor if he could let me have like 5 minutes of the high that I get from the drugs that I was to be given. Why? Because for those 300 seconds I would feel amazing, I wouldn’t feel broken. I wouldn’t be crippled. It is what I imagine Heaven will feel like for me when I pass.
CF is relentless. I hate that everyday I have to do so much work just to get 3 or 4 hours to live a life. I loathe waking up every morning just to fight to wake up. It is also a difficult job to fake being well. I go to the gym, pretend life is peachy and hold all my demons at bay while I fight for my life. Couple all of this with my shoulder issues and at present I am NOT a happy camper. I am trying not to be negative. I am just temporarily mad. LOL
My life feels like a grind, a chipper, a slog, an impossible mission with no end in sight.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to not be a prisoner in my own body. I am working overtime right now to get out of this funk and I will eventually come up for air, literally and figuratively but until then I find it therapeutic to tell the world how I feel. Is there anything anyone can do to help? No, not really. I am fiercely independent and impatient so that makes for a hard reason to help. I admit it. I will tell you that I will never turn down a meal brought to me, a snow angel to take care of my walks, a note to say that you’ve got my back, a pair of fuzzy socks, a bottle of coke, someone to just come and do a job like washing my jeep without me pushing back, a card in the mail, anything to lighten my load. I won’t ask, but I will not turn away an offer of help.
Despite all of this I am grateful. I am still on this earth. I have an amazing family, friends, and acquaintances. I am blessed. God is carrying me right now. Yes, life is hard but someday this too shall pass.
Nicki
Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’
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